When I first started this fitness journey, I felt pressured by well meaning friends, family and colleagues to have a ‘goal.’ Did I want to be able to lift a certain amount of weight? Did I want to run a sub-hour 10k? Did I want to have a thigh gap? Did I want to this, did I want to that..

Even now, six months since I made the decision to overhaul my eating, and three months into my forays in the gym, I genuinely still don’t know. Yes, I want to be skinny, and yes, a thigh gap would be neato, but I also get such a boost from being able to leg press more than I weigh, and still get a buzz from finally mastering shoulder presses (I’m so weak it’s unreal), so I’m still confused over whether I want to be strong or skinny.

Now, before you cry, “but you can be both!” – initially, no you can’t. In order to be strong, you need to be eating to fuel your workouts. In order to be skinny, you need to be eating at a deficit. I think my weight loss has stalled because I constantly flit between the two. One week I’ll be eating just enough to not pass out at 1730, whereas other weeks I’ll be amping up my carbs and protein to smash new PBs in the gym. This isn’t just messing with my body – it’s messing with my mind.

Of course, heavy lifters can strip themselves down to muscle, skin and bone, and look incredible on stage and in competitions, but for basically 40 weeks of the year, they’re gaining muscle and gaining weight in order to be able to lift as much as they can. Only later on can you get lean and taut. I was naive going into this in thinking that I could lift a bit and then immediately start cutting my calories right back and I’d suddenly be Kate Upton. Unfortunately for impatient old me, it takes years to get to that stage.

So for now, as long as I can finish my 10k alive, keep lifting as much as I can at the gym, and keep toning up – if skinny works out for me I’ll be chuffed, but if not, I’m happy to work with strong for a while..