I’m going to be controversial here and say none. But the kicker is that you also won’t lose weight.

Most weekends I go absolutely bonkers with food. As I wrote yesterday, last weekend I had a chinese takeaway (including fried banana fritters and icecream for dessert,) about seven raw brownies – which are hugely calorie ridden as a combo of dates, raw cacao powder and walnuts – fish and chips, half a bag of chocolates, pulled pork and new potatoes, monster munch, m&ms, various, glorious Matzo combos and probably a whole lot more that I inhaled in such a hurry that I suffered from amnesia.

I record my weight every thursday morning. That thursday I weighed xxxlbs. This thursday, after all of that food (I genuinely woke up on monday feeling horrendous and nearly called in sick. A sugar and fat hangover most likely!) I weighed a whopping.. no wait. Hang on. I weigh the same. How the..?

This has happened a few times now. I binge over the weekend – sometimes self sabotage, sometimes I’m just enjoying going out for meals with friends and eating what I want – and on the monday I’m up to five pounds heavier than I was on friday. But of course it’s all just water weight, and salt retention, and all that other fun stuff that comes off straight away after a work out or two or a really big wee, and by thursday I’m back on course for the week ahead.

It used to boggle my mind, but now I think I’ve figured it out.

During the week, in order to lose weight, I’m eating at a deficit. Lets say its a 3500 calorie deficit, so I’m hoping to lose a pound. On the flipside, in order to gain a pound, I’d have to eat 3500 extra calories. So to put on any weight after a weekend binge, I’d have to have eaten 7000 calories plus my regular intake on saturday and sunday – taking it up to over 10,000. Not even I can eat 10,000 calories in two days. I can, however, drink more milky coffees than I normally would, and drink more water over a drawn out brunch date than I normally would, and eat more salty food than I normally would, and so my body gets a bit confused and bloated for a few days, and then when I get immediately back to the gym on monday it realises that I still love it, and so bounces back to being a weight loss machine.

Although I do have to constantly remind myself that that’s not an excuse to munch chocolate all weekend..